Victimology

It scares me the way that women are often infantalized by other women. We turn ourselves into victims, but only when it suits us. Women claiming rape when they regret having sex. Women claiming sexual harrassment when they grabbed a little ass first. Women claiming past abuse as an excuse to hurt or neglect their children. Women claiming coersion when they relinquish their babies for adoption.

I read The Girls That Went Away so I believe that coersion exists, however, I also think it was it was a product of the social and political construct of the time. In the 50's, single motherhood was simply not acceptable. But in the 21st century... sorry, not buying it. I have read blogs and forums where countless women were claiming they were coerced, pressured or downright forced to relinquish their children... why? Well according to them it was because of the bias against unwed motherhood. Um, where exactly do you live? In the Western world, there is abolutely, positively NO stigma against single motherhood. Hell, even the taboo against teen motherhood is quickly fading. Sure, some family or community members may not be jazzed about it, but it doesn't change that our society as a whole accepts it, which is the inherent difference between the women of the 21st century and the women of the Baby Scoop Era.

People cannot take from you what you do not allow. Human beings are capable of great manipulation and they can turn it on, but it doesn't mean you have to acquiese. And the wireless world we live in where information is out there on the web for the taking, well sorry, ignorance just doesn't cut it either. Young women now are so information savvy and technologically sophisticated that they can get any info they are looking for without solely having to rely on adoption agencies or "birthparent counselllors" who pershaps have an agenda contrary to their own.

I believe that ultimately no one can take from you what you do not allow. This will be an extremely unpopular opinion, however, after reading so many blogs I have come to believe that many women who now claim coercion did in fact relinquish their babies, not because they were forced, but because a part of them wanted it to happen. They wanted life to go back to the way it was before. They wanted to reclaim who they were before the pregnancy. They wanted their families to look at them the way they used to. They wanted a piece of their innocence back. They wanted things to be simple again. Then, when they realized that there really is no such thing as going backwards, they see they've made a mistake and instead of accepting that they made a decision based on what they believed to be true at the time, they claim coercion.

Coercion is more palatable than complacency.

I do not believe that first mothers should feel guilty for placing their children for adoption (regardless of the reasons). Nor do I feel they are saints or sinners or heroes or abandoners. I believe they are women who made the best decision they could with what they knew.

I also do not believe that the majority are coerced. I just don't. Are some? Sure. I am not naive enough to believe it never happens, but if you are part of the cyber adopto-world, you would start thinking that it was an epidemic and I'm not buying it. North American adoption rates of white, healthy newborns is too low for coercion to be such a powder keg. A trip to the mall food court to see the very young mothers doting on their infants is a visual reminder that young women now are not so easily coerced out of their children. So what makes them different from women who ultimately do relinquish? Familial support? A sense of personal strength. Perhaps. But would that make all relinquishing mothers weak women. I don't think so.

I think guilt is a master and rewriting history comes easy when you are surrounded by other women who are telling you to absolve yourself of responsibility; that you in fact are not responsible; you did not make an adoption plan - you were coerced. The idea of being coerced may breed a rage, but a sense of injustice is a lot easier to digest than facing the questions and blame that may come from their adult children who may one day demand answers. Telling your relinquished child that you were forced to give them up instead of telling them that you made the best decision you could, probably feels a lot more weightless, but it doesn't make it any more true.

My motto: You are responsible for your life. Everything is a choice.

Must be hard

Today a group of adoptees who have close relationships with their adoptive parents and first parents were complaining about having all these family members and how hard it is.

Yea, having so many people love you, wow, that's really gotta suck.

P.S. I think the web breeds a lack of perspective.

Happy Mother's Day

I have the best mom in the world. I hope her special gifts of being empathetic and kind and supportive have passed along to me and I can be the same kind of mother to my children.

LUV YA, MOM!!!!!